


We Found Love in a Tin of Fucking Pineapple (or We Tried to)

by SpaggyB



Category: No Fandom, nerdgul fandom, tumblr prompt - Fandom
Genre: Other, mspandj pineapple au, mspbandj, nerdgul - Freeform, nerdgul pineapple, pineapple au, tumblr pineapple fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 14:17:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8755846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaggyB/pseuds/SpaggyB
Summary: Tumblr User Nerdgul goes on the quest to find the love of their life by using the most useless and completely fucking insane factoid about pineapples:"Your average pineapple, peeled and cut makes about 4.5 cups or 36 ounces of pineapple chunks. Cans of pineapple come in a variety of sizes the most common being 20oz and 46oz. Meaning a single pineapple generally won’t fill up a single can perfectly, wich also means everytime u eat pineapple from a can somewhere someone else has the can that has the rest of that same pineapple. Meaning u can share a single fruit with a stranger from hundreds of miles away and I think that’s beutiful"





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short one shot inspired by Tumblr User Nerdgul, written by me, Tumblr User mspbandj.  
> Read at your own risk. Even I dont know man.
> 
> Link to the tumblr post get: http://mspbandj.tumblr.com/post/154053636821/mspbandj-nerdgul-weirdfandomchick

“Hey, did you know, Your average pineapple, peeled and cut makes about 4.5 cups or 36 ounces of pineapple chunks? Cans of pineapple come in a variety of sizes the most common being 20oz and 46oz. Meaning a single pineapple generally won’t fill up a single can perfectly, wich also means everytime u eat pineapple from a can somewhere someone else has the can that has the rest of that same pineapple. Meaning u can share a single fruit with a stranger from hundreds of miles away and I think that’s beutiful”

 

Nerdgul let the words sink into their brain, right down, right right down into the soft fleshy parts of their mind. They let them soak right in there, like the tip of one of those mini paper umbrellas you use for overpriced cocktails full of cheap vodka and bad decisions sinking in to the soggy flesh of whatever tropical fruit was super glued onto the side of your glass. Why were they thinking of paper umbrellas? Probably because they had just heard the word “pineapple” six times in quick succession, so they had been psychologically transported to Hawaii, but instead of beaches and sand, there was just more pineapple. Brains are fuckin weird.

 

They shook their head and turned back to the person who had so generously enlightened them with their useless and completely fucking insane pineapple factoid.

 

“That is the most useless and completely fucking insane pineapple factoid I have ever heard in my life,” they said, deadpan, reaching for their jacket. “And now, for no related reason at all, I am going to the supermarket to buy groceries including, but not limited to, canned pineapple. You bastard.”

 

Thankfully, by the time they had said that last part, they were already running full pelt down the street towards the local Tescos. Nerdgul didn't have many friends, especially not ones who knew so much about love and destiny as their pineapple friend, so it probably wasnt a good idea for them to insult them like that.

 

For no other reason than the advancement of the plot, it only took a few minutes of lung busting, gut wrenching, full pelt sprinting for Nerdgul to get to the Tescos, and they rounded the corner of the pineapple isle just as this sentence ended. It's also worth noting that they cannot run for shit, and their bright red face, heavy panting, and teary eyes scared the living fucking shit out of everyone they literally punched out of their way in their desperation to get to the canned fruit.

 

Nerdgul knew they only had a short window to find The Perfect Pineapple Can™ before someone called the cops.

 

 _Finally_ , they thought, eyes wandering over the rows and rows of processed “food” in front of them. _This is my chance to find them... to find my one tru love..._

 

They lifted their hands, as if to take a can from the shelf, only to hesitate at the last second. Their fingers hovered mere millimetres from the bright yellow and green labels, shaking slightly with the anticipation. Which can would be The One™? Which can of 30% natural Pineapple would bring them all the joy and happiness they had always wanted? There were so many... Nerdgul knew they had only one chance. They had to get it right.

 

“Hey, there they are!” the shout rang out across the supermarket isle, and Nerdgul was snapped out of their reverie.

 

_Oh shit, someone actually called the fucking cops??? Oh shit!!_

 

In a panic, Nerdgul grabbed the closest can of tinned pineapple they could reach, and, with all the strength of a total fucking idiot, threw it in the general direction of where the voice had come from. Now, as stated before, Nerdgul is a fucking dweeb, and pretty incapable of physical activity. Wait, did I not actually say “dweeb” before? Well, it was implied. They're looking for their soulmate in pineapple for fucks sake, enough said. Anyway, the point is, they threw the tin, but it only went about two meters before crashing pathetically to the ground and rolling under the isle shelf.

 

Ignoring the fact that that may very well have been the The One™ tin they were actually looking for, Nerdgul tried again with another canned pineapple. This time, it went a little further, but missed by a fucking mile and ended up landing in the bread section. Nerdgul you dumbass you squashed the bread! People gotta eat that you know, Jesus! Just get the fuck out of there already, we gotta keep this narrative flowing okay, just go!

 

Oi, don't flip me the fuckin bird! I'm trying to help you here, fucking Christ. Ungrateful shit.

 

ANYWAY, Nerdgul, after establishing that they are in fact, rude, finally grabbed a tin of pineapple and, instead of further embarrassing themselves with their attempt at the fucking Pineapple Olympics for Losers, headed towards the self checkout, dodging in and out of the other isles and humming the Mission Impossible theme out loud, despite the fact that it had become quite obvious that no one had actually called the cops, and the voice from earlier was just someone trying to catch up with a childhood friend who moved away years ago. They had lost contact you see, and finally, after so long apart, were able to meet again...

 

“Stop for fucks sake, what kind of narrator are you?” Nerdgul mumbled under their breath, glaring at the sky and bearing their teeth. “This is my story, dont start up with some fuckin long lost friendship story when im right fuckin here dude, not cool.”

 

At that exact moment, the self-serve checkout they were in spontaneously combusted. Dont tell me what to do u shit.

 

“Just get to the fucking point, we need to go find my Pineapple soul mate CHRIST”

 

FINE, GodDAMN it, why did I have to get stuck with this bratty fuck okay FINE.

 

SO.

 

With pineapple can in hand, Nerdgul finally made their way back home. They didn't run this time, which, to be honest, baffles me, as they literally just destroyed their local Tescos. Seriously, there is pineapple everywhere, and also, its on fire. I think someone actually died dude, hurry up and get home.

 

Back in their apartment, or dwelling, since I literally have no idea who this person even is, Nerdgul gently placed the can of pineapple they had bought at the recently deceased Tescos on the kitchen counter. Then they stared. Just. Stared. At this tin. The tin of pineapple. The pineapple that wasnt a whole pineapple, but merely a part of a pineapple. Where was the other part? Now that they owned this part, the destiny ball was already in motion. Now they had this part of the pineapple, all they had to do was find the other part, and whoever it was who owned that. Then. _Then_. Well. Thats fate right?

 

Okay, Nerdgul, for real, ima stop you right there. I narrated your inner monologue because, despite the fact that we seem to have got off on the wrong foot, I'm actually a professional.

 

“You tried to set me on fire with a self checkout.”

 

Okay, fine, yeah you got me there, but look, you started it. Anyway,

 

“And you can't spell for shit. I saw that. You spelled “professional” with two “f's” just there, and went back and changed it. See! You just did it again, you missed out the “n” in “changed”. Get your shit together, I'm not paying you for this shitty quality.”

 

You're not paying me at all dude, and this writing thing is hard, cut me some slack here, im _trying_. ANYWAY, can we talk about what you're actually trying to do here? You're trying to find your soul mate using a can of pineapple?

 

“Yes. You heard my friend earlier, someone else out there has the rest of this pineapple. I wont be able to sleep until I find them.”

 

Oh my god... Look, how do you plan on doing that? You saw how many tins of pineapple were at that old Tescos just now... there's so many! And its not like each pineapple has its own marker! It could be anywhere!

 

“I need to find them, its fate.”

 

Look, buddy, I know I've been hard on you and I singed your eyebrows off...

 

“You fuckin what mate? My eyebrows?”

Nerdgul patted their face with their hands. Sure enough, there were no eyebrows.

 

“Dude, what the fuck!”

 

They got burnt in the self checkout fire okay, I'm sorry, I made that decision while I was angry, it was a bad choice, and I'm sorry. Look, Ill fix it hang on.

 

Nerdgul opened the nearest draw they could reach, and pulled out a sharpie. With precision and grace, they proceeded to draw the most life like and realistic sharpie eyebrows anyone had ever seen back onto their face.

 

There, I fixed it.

 

“I can't believe you made me do that....”

 

You look beautiful, its fine. Anyway, if you're really sure this is what you want to do, lets just get on with it okay?

 

“Yes, please, lets. I gotta... I gotta find my Pineapple Princess, trade mark.”

 

I cant believe you just _said_ trade mar... Look okay fine whatever, lets just do this.

 

Nerdgul closed the draw again, and turned back to the bench on which sat the holy can of Pineapple. The narrator was right...

 

“I didnt think that.”

 

… how _were_ they going to find the rest of the pineapple?

 

"The internet you fucking dumbass."

 

With all the grace of a chimpanzee with a hammer, Nerdgul used what they thought was the can opener to utterly fucking destroy the tin. It took approximately two and a half hours, when you factor in the power nap they had to take after the first 22 minutes of struggling and crying. Eventually tho, there was a gap big enough for Nerdgul to squeeze a wedge of pineapple out and onto a plate. Are you fucking serious, its a Hello Kitty plate? I s2g when this job is over I'm going back to Etsy.

 

So anyway, the plan of attack was, photograph the pineapple from multiple angles, and then eat it, write a detailed description of how it tasted, and then put the whole lot on Craigslist and wait to get the reply of their dreams back from whoever had the pineapple that matched. Absolutely. Flawless. Oy vey.

 

Nerdgul threw the can opener at the sky, but it only hit the roof and crashed back down onto their face.

 

“Are you going to be supportive or not, you shitty narrator?” they cried from the floor, where they had fallen. “You said you'd take this seriously. And what the fuck is wrong with Hello Kitty??”

 

Okay, to be fair, I did _not_ say I would take this seriously, I said I would do it. Which I am. And second, there's nothing _wrong_ with Hello Kitty its just... just... okay fine whatever you can have that one. If you like Hello Kitty, thats fine, its not my business sorry. I'll keep it professional from here, I'm sorry.

 

“Damn straight.”

 

Nerdgul picked themselves up off the floor, completely unaware that even though they were technically right in this case, they were also not making things very fuckin easy. In fact, struck with sudden inspiration, Nerdgul opened the same drawer from last time, and this time pulled out a Collins English Dictionary. They flipped to the word “compromise” and read it aloud to the class.

 

“Compromise: noun: the settlement of a dispute by concessions on both or all sides.” their teeth were gritted through the whole thing, but I think the message got across, right?

 

They scowled, slamming the dictionary back into the drawer. “Yes, fine, whatever. Okay.”

 

Good.

 

Finally getting back on track, Nerdgul spent a good forty two and a half minutes carefully snapping glamour shots of the soggy yellow mound on the ridiculous, yet fully valid, Hello Kitty plate. Honestly actually, the contrasting yellow and pink colours didn't look too bad under the multiple Instagram filters Nerdgul elected to use. In fact, it turns out that what Nerdgul lacked in athleticism and brains, they more than made up for in artistic creativity; the shots didnt turn out half bad at all.

 

Next, the tasting. Carefully, and with great care, Nerdgul carefully stabbed the unsuspecting chunk with their fork, quite violently, and while laughing manically the whole time. Actually, I'm not gonna comment too much on this part. At least not until they put the sharp silverware down. Oh, wait, no they've picked up the can opener again. Um, fuck.

 

Nerdgul had a quiet dignity about them when they ate. The wide, rolling eyes held a certain charm, and the gargling, demonic noises ripping from within their chest just provided the room, and probably the neighbours, with a delicate and beautiful soundtrack from which everyone gained a sense of peace and a very, _very_ motionless moment of reflection. Truly, it was an experience many could later recall to their therapists, who would just lap that shit up, trust me.

 

When the ordeal was over, Nerdgul sat down at their PC, uploaded the pictures, and typed out an incredibly lengthy, and detailed account of their eating experience. Personally, I had no idea pineapple even had a taste other than “pineapple”, let alone that it was “sweet and juicy, punctured here and there with the screams of the eternal void, and the tang of a citrusy hellfire.” Also, “it tastes like purple when salt is added.” Well, the more you know I guess.

 

“Aaaand, done.” Nerdgul said, clicking the “upload” button. The Pineapple was officially on Craigslist. Now, all that was left was waiting.

 

But waiting is boring as fuck so I'm just gonna skip right ahead.

 

Its been three fucking days and I swear to god If I see one more fucking pineapple I am going to shit my pants.

 

Turns out Nerdgul isnt the only one whos completely fucking bonkers in this goddforsaken town. People actually fucking responded to the ad! Can you believe it??? People came to this house or cabin or where ever the fuck we are, with their own tins of pineapple, to compare to Nerdguls fucking bullshit I cant believe this is actually happening. How did we, as a species, evolve into this fucking mess of a populace I swear to shit....

 

“Oi! Shut the fuck up, the next person is coming in with their pineapple, you said you'd be polite.”

 

Yeah yeah, fuck my life, I'll talk about this one Jesus Christ.

 

So, in walked number who the fuck knows with their can of pineapple. Its astounding how normal people look you know? Like this whole experience really throws into perspective how you literally have _no idea_ who may or may not be a pineapple-doting freakazoid, coz Im telling you the people Ive seen walk through that door all look like average fuckin joes, and this one was no exception. Its amazing to think theres actually something so goddamn wron...

 

“I can hear you you know” they said, looking around wildly. Okay, not wildly, more like they were dead inside, but you know. They looked around.

 

“How do you live with that?” they asked, turning to Nerdgul, who was sitting on the sofa holding their original tin of pineapple, as they had been for three days straight. Seriously, not even a bathroom break? This is too much.

 

“You get used to it after a while.” they shrugged, offering the seat opposite them to the new comer.

 

 _I CAN HEAR YOU GUYS YOU KNOW_ , the narrator mimicked bitterly. Fuck you guys.

 

“So, whats your name?” Nerdgul asked, ignoring literally the only reason any of this was actually possible.

“WeirdFandomChick” said the newcomer, offering a hand over the coffee table. Nerdgul stared at it, for several minutes, until their eyeballs were too dry to function, and they had to run to the bathroom to splash water on their face. Again.

 

Just take the fucking handshake next time man, how many times do I have to tell you?

 

Returning to the sofa, hair and mascara dripping down their face, Nerdgul seated themselves down again and got serious.

 

“So, you think your pineapple is the rest of my pineapple, hmm?” Its scary when you get that look in your eye dude.

 

WeirdFandomChick hesitated. Wait what?

 

“Actually,” they said, things finally starting to look interesting around here. “I saw your ad, and your factoid about pineapples, and I was wondering... a) that that is the most useless and completely fucking insane factoid about pineapples I have ever heard and b) how much sleep are you getting?”

 

Woah woah woah, what the fuck is happening? A sane voice? Am I saved??

 

Nerdguls eyelids drooped. Their shoulders physically slumped forward, like a massive weight had just been dropped on them from a height. Slowly, they placed their face in their hands, which was actually a pretty stupid thing to do considering they were still holding the mangled can of now mouldy pineapple in one of them. Seriously man, when this is all over, you should probably go get a tetanus shot.

 

“Not enough my guy.”

 

The words were muffled around the yellow and green fuzz, but they were like a spell. A magic fucking spell that broke the absurdity of the whole situation, and slowly, always so _fucking_ slowly, Nerdgul raised their head to the sky, a look of sadness and weariness shining out from the red and purple ring starting to form around the centre of their forehead.

 

Without another word, WeirdFandomChick stood up, awkwardly patted their hand on Nerdguls shoulder, and left the room, leaving Nerdgul and the Narrator alone again. The bastard.

 

Moments passed, silent moments, in which Nerdgul silently stared at the the roof, the forgotten can of mouldy pineapple hanging listlessly from their hand. It was a quiet moment of introspection for the dweeb, as they slowly came to the realisation that maybe looking for love in a tin of tropical fruit was probably not the smartest or most obtainable idea they had ever had. Slowly, they thought about the fact that maybe, instead of relying on some arbitrary twist of fate, or some impossible and fantastical destiny to unite them with someone, maybe they should try, I dont know, branching out in the real world a little more. Maybe join a club, or find a group who they share similar interests with. Maybe at their work, or school, or college or whatever the fuck it is they do, they could try to be a bit more social, go out for drinks or, if they are underage, I dont know fucking Chuck E Cheese or something.

 

The point is, failing to actually _do_ anything with yourself and your life under the pretence of leaving it up to “fate” is a pretty bullshit idea. “Fate” works a lot better if you actively go out and put yourself in fateful situations, you know Nerdgul?

 

“I thought this _was_ a fateful situation?”

 

Thats true, if it had worked, it would have been downright fucking witchcraft, but really, its an interesting, albeit useless and completely fucking insane, factoid about pineapples, but really, the chances of actually finding the rest of your pineapple are so miniscule they may as well not exist at all. … I'm sorry man.

 

Nerdgul sighed a heavy breath, and pushed themselves off the couch. Standing with their hands on their hips, again, a dumbass move because it meant the rest of the gross ass pineapple that was still in the can is now all over the fucking living room oh my _god,_ they nodded their head once, twice, three times... four times.... _five_ times?? Come on man _six times???_ Are you a bobble head figurine or something??? Okay, one more time and then ima stop you. _One more_.

 

Seven times. They nodded their head _seven_ times with satisfaction.

 

“You're right. Im glad you were here to teach me that important lesson Narrator.” they said, trying, and failing because its good to show gratitude you little shit, to choke themselves. “Now, I'm going to go out into the world and try my best to be a functioning human being. Maybe then, fate will work _with_ me to bring me to my...” aaand they hit themselves over the head so hard they passed out.

 

Fucking loser.

 

The moral of the story, kids, is this. Pineapple is delicious, but I s2g go the fuck to sleep. The end.

 


End file.
